God LJ takes me back!  I hadn't actually expected to get online tonight.  I just brought my laptop upstairs to write a whingy blog or something, but when I plugged it in it connected to the net first time.  Wheyhey... I'm a secret wireless internet expert!

I was really down in the dumps earlier, but I'm not feeling so bad now.  Or maybe that's just the false-security of the internet and having people online making you feel some how less alone.  I dunno.

My friend Barry did something really lovely for me... which makes me feel all warm and squishy inside.  I came home from work tonight in a really shitty mood (general bad day at work, sister taking too long to get her ass out of work etc.) and I found an envelope with his lovely handwriting on - and a mix tape inside.  Bless him.  There was a little note too, saying it was almost 2 years since he made my last mix tape and he wanted to update me on what he's been listening to etc.  I'm listening to the tape as I write this.  So far I love it.  But the thought was absoluetly incredible.  Bless Barry.

Me and mum went to look at a house in Southampton earlier.  Well, a bungalow really.  I didn't think it was too bad, but then I spose I have pretty low standards because just the thought of having my own place pleases me.  She didn't like it because it needed some work, and when you stepped out of the front door you were over-looking some blocks of flats that apparently have a bad reputation in the area.  Still, it's cool that she's started looking for somewhere to live.  She said she's going to tell dad that if he'll help her do some jobs on the house at the weekend with her, then she'll put the house on the market on Tuesday.  Eek!!  Think I'd better start 1. tidying my bedroom, and 2. saving my pennies!!!

I saw Jackson last night.  I hadn't planned to, but he text me about 10am saying that everything was going wrong for him and asking if he could see me.  That's VERY unlike Jackson.  So I put off my gym and went to see him.  I think I managed to cheer him up a bit.  It's kinda difficult cos I wasn't feeling great myself... but I guess at least he knew I was there for him.  When we were snuggled up in bed together last night, he said "I love you" to me - which I couldn't help pointing out was one of the first times he's said that to me without me saying it first.  The only other time was actually the very first time he said it to me - the night before Christmas Eve.  And then again in the early hours of that morning.  Weird to think that was so long ago now.  I honestly didn't think we'd still be together.  He also text asking how my day was and what I was up to tonight.  This is also very unlike Jackson.  He's usually too busy gaming or something to think about me.  I'm not complaining, it's really nice.  I'm just trying to get used to this new role-reversal.  I've never been so chilled out in a relationship.  But then I spose I've never been with anyone past 6 months - where we were when he said he loved me.  So this is all new to me really.

Anyway, that's the end of side one of my mix tape, so ima get in bed now I think and read some more of the Wasp Factory.  I just hope I don't have any more freaky dreams like that one I did the other night after I'd read chapter 1.  I dreamt that my dad was trying to kill my family.  Well, he did.  I can remember it so clearly, it was more like watching a film than a dream.  But Lottie was only young in it - maybe  or 4.  And chubby like she used to be.  And as he sliced through her arm with a really sharp knife, I was saying to her "be brave Lots" and she wasn't crying and I was so proud of her.  Then he slit her wrists, and she just sat there watching him and looking at me.  That's the bit I remember most clearly.  The other bit was after I'd run up the road (bleeding everywhere because he'd also slit my wrists with the knife) and called the police ... I went back in to the living room with the paramedics behind me just in time for him to stab Laura at th base of her spine.  And I woke up at 4:30am in a flood of tears and sweat.  It was horrible.

The worst thing was waving my dad off to work the next day (like I have done since I was little from my bedroom window) ... I felt so guilty for having the dream and thinking those things about him.  It upsets me to think too much about either of my parents though.  Because then I start thinking about how much I love them, and how I hate the idea of either of them being alone or unhappy... oh, I don't wanna think about it.

Now, time for bed with my book :o)  xoxox